By Buzz Byrne
Dearly beloved, we gather in these times of a writers strike to worship at the feet of our IDOL. Our course is set by the Rear Admiral of showbiz, Ryan Seacrest and the first stop on the IDOL juggernaut tour is Philadelphia, home, as his voice over tells us, “To such pop culture icons as Rocky…” And, yeah, that’s the only one. Besides the cheesesteak, Philly is also famous for building a court room in the basement of their pro football stadium to more quickly process the drunks and hooligans during and after Eagles games. This is our AMERICAN IDOL!!!
For the premiere auditions Simon seems more sedate, which for now is a good thing as we wade through the gaggle of goofs, attention whores and rejects of the early episodes. Paula appears to have found an inner peace or maybe the right combination of Darvocet and Wellbutrin. And Randy has either lost a bet or the wardrobe and makeup people have decided to see how much they could make him look like Mr. T without his knowledge. Yeah, Dawg, I’m just not feeling that look. Like a dreaded family Thanksgiving dinner, there is an odd comfort to being back with this misfit crew. Are writers really that important anymore?
The first audition was decent and they moved Joey Cattalano along to Hollywood. Melanie, Kristy, Angela, Beth, Chris and Brooke all sounded decent and AMERICAN IDOL-y enough to advance to the next round. But early auditions aren’t about the winners. It’s about opening the airwaves to every fame seeking, dysfunctional, broken, misguided whack job that didn’t have someone in their life to take them by the shoulders and force them not to embarrass themselves. It’s sad and frankly loosing some of its car-wreck gawking fun. Credibility is stretched and as gags filter more freely into the show it all become a bit more like professional wrestling than a game show/competition. William Hung and that sweater wearing “Like a Virgin”-singing creep from a few years back, what have ye unleashed?
During a montage of contestants singing “I Love Rock & Roll” we saw trannies, geeks, Andrew Sisters impersonators and a girl with a halo and fuzzy angel wings. James Lewis, a tour guide from Philly was encouraged to audition by his co-workers. His co-workers clearly hate him. He said he sounded like a combination of Paul Robeson and Eddie Vedder. That’s a combo.
We got to laugh at some people with funny names. A guy named Yuca sang a song from “Mister The Bee Gees.” Paula was impressed he learned the song “phonetically.” I was impressed Paula knew a word with that many syllables. A guy named Udi auditioned. Simon said of it, “Nothing was right, and slightly disturbing.” That is my exact feeling about Charlie Sheen being considered a comedic actor.
A girl named Alexis had a nervous breakdown which was suppose to be unsettling but came off as rather bland. Children who looked too young to be wearing makeup talked about their quest to win for their own children that they had birthed in High School. And a man who looked like male genitalia sang a song advocating abstinence. And with that my prayers for babies to stop having babies swirled down the stinkhole.
The worst offenders, and the show producers should take note, were the two Princess Leia-dressed contestants. The guy, Ben, went and got waxed on camera. A guy gets waxed on camera? My God, the originality of that is awesome! The girl, Christina, had to be a hoax. I’m throwing the BS flag on her play. I guarantee you she is a member of some Guerilla Improv troupe and running the anchor leg of the freak relay will sell her shows a few more tickets as the clip makes the youtube rounds. I’m not buying it
Nonetheless my hopes for this season are reborn as I pray the “talent” for “pop” hasn’t been drained from this country. I look forward to Paula babbling and repeating utter nonsense. I hope Randy keeps getting clothing advice from Evel Knievel’s personal stylist. I hope Ryan and Simon have moved on from the awkwardness of last season. By the end it was like being with two co-workers who had a torrid affair but it ended ugly only this time it was enhanced by overwrought production elements, four trillion viewers thinking its wholesome entertainment and a really crappy soundtrack. And I look forward to my first Brian Dunkelman reference…oh, there it is!