By Sabrina Cognata

AMERICAN IDOL, bastard child of the people of this great nation, how I love you.  I seriously watch this show and feel immediately better about myself because I have actively avoided having a British know-it-all verbally assault me while looking terribly bored. Tonight the team is in Dallas, hometown of dummies, weirdos and city that birthed Kelly Clarkson.  Ryan Secrest tells me this and I really think the lack of writers cannot effect a show that desperately wants you to try out for it by embarrassing the hell out of yourself.  Oh man, I’m really excited because I remember last season when Simon told a man that he looked like a creepy lemur and he actually looked like the son of internet phenomenon Brian Peppers.  This time around Simon almost seems nicer and I am immediately disappointed and slightly depressed. 

Jessica used to have a meth problem, but now she is a mother of two and impresses the judges enough that she gets a golden ticket and a pass to Hollywood.  Hey, if the meth angle worked for Fergie, I guess it can work for Jessica.  Then there’s Paul and he looks like Baby Huey.  He does maintenance on baseball fields and it turns out he’s also as simple as Baby Huey.  He cannot sing and says what I consider to be the most awesome thing AI has ever heard, “Simon goes down on just about anybody.”  Thanks for letting us know Paul, now get out of my face.  Beth says she’s a singing waitress, but she cannot sing and Simon looks like he might vomit on her.  Esteban, Drucilla, and Victoria are also terrible and things are not looking well for our fearless judges.


Basically there are a lot more nos and people continue to argue and act bizarrely when asked to leave.  Kayla got her face ripped off in a car accident and she sings some Janis Joplin and doesn’t screw it up too badly.  The judges actually like her and I want to turn off the television.  She gets her yellow ticket and jumps around, careful there one-eye you might lose your sense of balance, fall over and lose another eye.  At the end of the day there’s Kady and she looks like your typical blonde idiot.  She tells the judges that she does vocal impersonations and they ask her to prove it.  She sings some Britney Spears and now I know the real Britney can overdose this week and Kady can replace her.  Then they have her sing in her own voice and Simon says she’s the best singer they’ve heard to date. 

Then there is day two.  Apparently they save all the whackjobs for today.  There’s Douglas and he says that his father hates him for singing.  He is weird.  He refuses to leave the audition when things don’t go well and Simon has to get security to drag him out as he says, “Douglas, they’re going to take you somewhere safe.”  Yea Douglas, like the funny farm.  Your father probably hates you because you’re an insane embarrassment.  Get back on your meds.  They waste a lot of time on a segment dedicated to some kid named Kyle because he wants to be a politician and a singer.  They make a faux campaign for him and it is stupid and I am let down.  He sings Queen and I am impressed that when he opens his mouth it does not sound like a plane crashing into a mountain.  He gets a yellow ticket and a one-way pass to coming out of the closet on prime time television.  They have a singing medley for Since You Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson and the entire world should be sad that people are signing away their likeness and dignity to be on T.V. 


The real highlight of the show is Renaldo.  He looks like a silver Asian gay-super hero.  He’s wearing a cape and a feather hat that says Simon.  Ryan interviews him before he goes into the gauntlet and they work on bowing to one another and it’s absolutely weird.  Renaldo goes into the audition and he sings his own original composition and I have a hard time following along what’s being said because his accent is crazy.  Paula and Randy get up and start dancing with him and then they call in Ryan.  Simon eventually gets up and hugs Renaldo because, well, I am not sure why, but he does and it is hilarious.