By Sabrina Cognata
According to Ryan Secrest over 10,000 contestants in South Carolina to audition for Randy, Paula and Simon. Oliver should have been the first of them, but too bad his wife got in the way with her water breaking and all. Oliver attempts to look supportive, but really you can tell that he’s pissed off that his first child is getting the way of his dreams of becoming the next American Idol. Next, Raysharde tries to impress everyone with his Afro. Too bad he doesn’t understand that American Idol is about singing and not making a total ass out of yourself. Randy says it is too over the top and Simon says he wouldn’t be surprised if Raysharde did a magic trick during the middle of his audition.
Don’t worry your pretty heads cause then two of the ugliest in love people I have ever seen on television audition next. We find out that Crystal and Randy met on the American Idol message boards. I guess if you’re pathetic and ugly that you should visiting those message boards immediately. Randy and Crystal decide to song that I have never heard of and is not worth mentioning, but they’re terrible. Simon looks like he’s going to kill them and then himself when he tells them that their audition is torturous.
Michelle and Jeffrey are our next couple, but this time around they’re siblings, not lovers and thank god for that. They’re obese and filled with attitude. They also can sing better than anyone I have heard so far today. Too bad when I look at them I want to die. They start holding hands at the end and Simon comments that it is inappropriate. Simon, can I love you? They send them through and this is our first yellow ticket of the day.
A lot more people audition, but they’re all turned away. I mean, some of the craziest ugly people I have ever been confronted with audition. Perhaps they’ve all got downs syndrome. Most of the time the best part of this is watching Simon’s perplexed expressions. Amy is a junior at a Catholic school and I guess this means she’s probably a whore. I know this for sure because I went to Catholic school also. I have decided to hate her because she gives Simon and abstinence speech. Simon says a lot of people are going to find her very annoying. I guess my anti-abstinence speech will work out really well then. They give her a yellow ticket anyways. Fifteen more people are allowed to pass through to Hollywood from Day One.
Day Two: Lyndsey is a fighter pilot or something. She’s really nervous and singing my favorite karaoke song BLACK VELET. She isn’t that great, but it isn’t terrible. Simon calls her a cabaret singer and she’s turned away. I guess she goes back to flying planes. The next singer to audition is Aretha. She has the biggest tits I have ever seen. I can say this cause most of the time I have the biggest tits anyone has ever seen. When she walks into the audition Simon’s jaw drops and this tubby chick in a tube top immediately excites me. Simon says everything about her is terrible. He mocks her dress, belt and singing ability. Aretha argues with him and says did a great job. They literally have to kick her out of there.
Producers step it up a notch by sending in Joshua. He’s maybe the worst singer I have ever heard. I find myself saying that a lot, but really he dances around like he’s having a fit and I cannot even recognize what song he’s singing. When the judges tell him he’s horrendous he says that American Idol is fake and rigged. He kicks the door down on his way out. Once out of the audition he tells people the judges have said there is no talent in South Carolina. Idiots continue to audition and are very surprised when they’re turned away by the judges. There is a NO montage of the judges saying "No" a bunch of times and I wonder if anyone realizes that this is American Idol and most of the people are going to be rejected.
Finally, Oliver is back and this time he has a baby. I guess when you are a self-diluted Nazi and drag your wife state-to-state, she will go into early labor and almost kill your dreams. Thankfully, her labor doesn’t take too long and they make it back by day two. He makes a crazy vibrato and they judges tell him that things didn’t work out and send him home to be a father to his newborn. This concludes day two of South Carolina auditions. I know a lot of people say that judging isn’t impartial, but I sort of think it is. I actually think Simon is the most fair judge cause he doesn’t mince his words and he gets to the point. Do you agree with me or do you think Simon and the entire show is full of it? Let us know in the comments!