By Sabrina Cognata
This week Middle America plans to wow the AMERICAN IDOL judges with their singing prowess by journeying to Omaha, Nebraska and probably making a fool of themselves. Thank god AI is around so I have something basic to count on. Since the writer’s strike continues Ryan Secrest’s stupid intros continue to compel me to cross WGA picket lines and give him something interesting to say. This is AI’s first time in Nebraska and I am going to venture that it will be their last since it is Nebraska. The show starts with Paula’s flight being delayed probably because an entire airplane knows better than to want to go to Nebraska. Simon takes this time to compliment Randy on his swank purple glasses, and I wait for the guys from QUEER EYE to show up and start screaming, “Fabulous!”
The first tone-deaf idiot I have to suffer through listening to is Chris. He says he’s been waiting his entire life to be on AI and today he says he’s so happy he could explode and happiness will shower the judges. Along with being a joke, Chris is apparently stupid to the fact that he’s completely incapable of singing. Apparently he thinks giving gifts to the judges will detract from the fact that he will never be the next AMERICAN IDOL. He cries a lot and thanks them for his chance to sing even before he sings and I want to hang myself. He sings Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You Been Gone” and I want to know when the hell will he be gone? Finally, Simon puts an end to it and says he loves the sucking up, but the singing isn’t good enough. Chris ends up bargaining with Simon to be the Fox 42 correspondent for the AI finale. Whatever.
Jason works on his girlfriend’s father’s farm. He says he thinks about being the next AMERICAN IDOL. He isn’t bad, but then he stops himself and can never recover from his stage fright. He starts it like five times and eventually I want to kill him and put him out of my misery, but when he finally completes it Randy and Simon think his voice is nice, but he doesn’t have much star presence. He gets a golden ticket. Then there are a ton of people not worth mentioning that cannot remember any of the words. They are combined into a medley and it doesn’t matter because none of them can sing anyways.
Rachel can sing. She can also arm wrestle. I don’t like her. Simon doesn’t either. He says she seems like her career is at its end and gives her a no, but it doesn’t matter since Randy and Paula say yes. Rachel has made it to Hollywood. Next there’s Sarah and I am going to bet everything I own that she won’t make it to the next round because she looks like the goth version of Mr. Potatohead. Sarah is ugly and used to be a professional wrestler. Shocking. Simon says she is really strange. She doesn’t make it and I get to keep my belongings. Ryan comes in to defend Sarah and gets invited to be a guest judge. He gets to judge Samantha, she is probably the best singer I’ve heard all day. Randy, Paula and Simon give Ryan hell and tell him to piss off. They give her a yellow ticket and Ryan takes credit for it. Elizabeth, Denise, and Michael also get gold tickets and I guess these people didn’t have worthwhile sob stories so they don’t get any airtime.
Angelica has problems with her family and we’re supposed to care. She decides to sing “The Power of Love” and the judges say she mimics the song perfectly, but she has no personal style and zero performance. Simon says with some effort she could be very good and tells her she’s going to Hollywood. They have her call her father on the air and tell him she has made it to the next round and he says something lame like he loves her or she’s always been his American Idol. Then a ton more people with zero singing ability auditioned. Finally, David auditions. He’s a bartender and says he’s the next American Idol because he is versatile and a bunch of bull that I stopped paying attention to. Simon says it is good. Randy says he needs performance presence and Paula gives a yes. Ladies and Gentlemen, David the bartender is going to Hollywood, now can I get a martini?
Johnny says he is the weirdest guy you will ever meet. Paula starts hiccupping during his audition and I guess all that talking I did regarding her being sober this season can finally end. Johnny says he’s like James Brown, but he looks like a retard having a fit. Simon says he hates everything about Johnny’s performance and Johnny gets rejected across the board. The next medley song they get the idiots of Omaha to sing is Stuck in the Middle With You. A ton of cretins without any talent sing it as poorly as possible and I wonder what else these people would do to be on television and if it involves sex with an animal.
After all those disasters the final audition is Leo and he says his mother considers him the perfect homecoming queen. Leo can sing. No, I mean it. He can really sing and I am sort of shocked that he’s not absolutely insane. Paula says she likes him and wants to take him home. He gets three yeses from the judges and he’s moving onto Hollywood. Omaha produces 19 passes to the next round and in the end I am depressed that the number is that low and producers even decided to watch it.