By Sabrina Cognata

Kyle and his wife decide to visit McNamera & Troy after they survived a treacherous car wreck in the snow where they were trapped for ten days.  While waiting for help his wife becomes increasingly ill from hypoglycemia and instead of letting her die he carves out parts of his forearm and feeds them to her.  Now he needs the giant wounds fixed up, wounds like the ones in Christian’s (Dylan Walsh) cold heart from screwing stupid Gina off the balcony. 

Christian’s taking things really badly in the Gina arena especially since he’s a sociopath and devoid of human feeling.  He goes to Wilbur’s school to take him out early and manage the fact that his mother is dead and it’s Christian’s fault.  When he shows up, the teacher says that Wilbur is getting expelled because he’s been biting other children.  Christian persuades the teacher to keep Wilbur enrolled using Gina’s death as an excuse, but he doesn’t tell Wilbur about Gina.  Later, the teacher claims that Wilbur has bitten another child and really needs to be expelled, but she can turn a blind eye if he screws her.  Only in Christian’s world.  During sex the monster teacher leans in and takes a chunk out of Christian’s skin and he does some basic math and realizes that the person biting the children has been the teacher.  He tells her he can take an imprint of his bite along with that of the children’s and the look of horror on her face is priceless.

Meanwhile, Sean’s (Dylan Walsh) having problems and those problems are Colleen (Sharon Gless).  This woman becomes more and more insane every second she’s on the screen.  She brings in a pair of sexy shoes and tells Sean she needs her hobbit feet worked on so she can successfully pull the shoes off.  Before Liz (Roma Mafia) puts Colleen under she tells Liz that Sean plans to take her to all the awards shows, including the Oscars.  After her surgery, she hands Sean a creepy handmade bear.  During this gift exchange an agent from Creative Artists Agency (C.A.A.) shows up to swoop Sean into the arms of one of the biggest agencies around.  Colleen goes mega bonkers, invites the agent to her place where she knocks him unconscious and stuffs him with her Build-A-Bear stuffed animal maker and then sends out a massive e-mail via his blackberry saying he’s had a spiritual awakening and is changing his life for the better.

Christian attends Gina’s funeral where everyone from the Sex Addicts Anonymous group shows up to thank her for the awesome tantric sex and dirty good times.  Finally, the guy that infected her with AIDS speaks and says she’s his hero because she forgave him for infecting her and stood by his side as a friend.  Guess what guys, Gina is a moron because you do not befriend someone that gives you the AIDS.  Still, learning this turns Gina from monster to patron saint of AIDS victims and everyone feels bad, including Christian.


Kyle’s exits his operation with flying colors, but later he goes into shock and Sean finds out that his stupid wife fed him her flesh while he is unconscious to build some sort of stupid bond.  This causes all sorts of disgusting infections and Sean scolds her like she’s his 12-year-old.  Christian decides to take the matter of the biting to the police and thinks he’s one upped the stupid teacher, but she’s gotten her chompers capped and police cannot press charges.  The school however, can find fault with her behavior and find reason to fire her—and with Christian’s help they do.  Christian decides to give Wilbur something permanent and it’s not a mom or even a new teacher, but a puppy.  God, I would forgive my father if he murdered my AIDS infected mother and gave me a puppy.  Puppies are the universal currency for love.  After, the agent from C.A.A. goes missing Sean reevaluates his relationship with Colleen and decides to stay with her, even apologizing for entertaining a relationship with C.A.A.  I can hear the love story forming in her head as he says this to her and I guess next week she’ll nail him to a cross so he can be her own personal Jesus.  Amen.