By Buzz Byrne

Anyone who actually paid money to see the movie WISEGIRLS has probably wanted to see a hole drilled in Mira Sorvino’s head for years. Tonight, it happens on HOUSE M.D. She plays a psychiatrist on an Antarctic power station- the lone doctor, and when one of the workers gets wounded by a wild turbine blade, she swoops in, pours glue on the severed femoral artery and wraps up the gash with duct tape. MacGuyver with curves and an Oscar…Grr.

But then she seizes up from an attack of some kind and vomits green stuff. Now she is House’s perfect woman. Of course House (Hugh Laurie) has his troubles too. He is no longer getting premium cable at the hospital. Nonetheless, he takes her case and treats her via bandwidth and monitor cams.

At first the Housian diagnostic crew says kidney stones, then her lung collapses. She re-inflates it on her own with a hypodermic needle and trust. The new diagnosis is cancer. To confirm this theory she needs to find a swollen node to biopsy. House helps her from his living room and laptop. He makes her get naked- except for the socks, and then plays Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s get it on.” The sexual interplay extends as they probe each other’s minds more so than their bodies. House only bristles when the talk comes to his leg. “Are you going to fix me now?” he sneers. “I never said you needed fixing.” Oh my.


But it’s not cancer. And House still doesn’t have his cable despite siccing his fellows on Cameron who happens to be on the hospital’s budget committee. They disproved the cancer thing with a paper clip, by the way. House is fine taking some ribbing from Wilson and Foreman about having a crush on the patient but when she points out that he is spending quite a bit of time online with her, he breaks the connection. Heck, he even asked if she was “Okay.” As Wilson said, “You’ve never asked me that question!”

But the sick get sicker and this patient passes out and into a coma. Her buddy with the Home Depot repair job on his leg re-enters the scene and becomes House’s surrogate eyes, hands and, well, taste buds. See, in order to tell if the problem is in her head or the kidneys her urine needs to be tasted. Strong pee and it’s the kidneys, watery and it’s a noggin problem. When the guy doesn’t hesitate, House realizes he isn’t the only one with feelings for this shrink.

And so we see this strapping young guy drink pee. And tell us it’s watery. I hope the producers of SURVIVOR are watching because this should be a challenge in the up-coming season.


Now that it’s a head issue, the guy has to drill the hole and relive the pressure. Done and done. House even gets his cable back and figures out the diagnosis- broken toe caused it all and now everything is perfect. The patient is saved and she looks longingly after House but embraces the pee-drinker. The fellows get some job security and Wilson has a girlfriend.

Wha-what? Remember Cutthroat Bitch? She’s back and she has Wilson. Things are getting good.