By Sabrina Cognata

Apparently Atlanta hatches stars like Britney Spears hatches fetal alcohol syndrome children, I know this because Ryan Seacrest knows this.  First of all, we get to meet stupid Ryan’s parents.  Guess what, I could have lived the rest of my life without having to waste time on getting to know them.  Once that is out of the way, Ryan introduces us to Joshua.  He works with glass and I am not sure if I care about any of this.  He tells the judges that he’s going to show them something they’ve never seen before.  I guess by this he means scare the crap out of them with terrible vocals since this tends to be the trend with contestants and I’m absolutely correct because he makes demonic eyes and it scares Simon.  They make him turn around and sing.  Simon says he’s very karaoke, but Paula and Randy say yes and that’s that.  Joshua’s made it to the second round. 

J.P. has auditioned before, two people behind Carrie Underwood, and now he’s sad he never kept in touch with her.  He likes to think he has a star quality, but he is ugly and I bet this goes terrible.  I am right and it sounds like he swallowed his own voice and is singing from a voice inside his voice.  Simon mocks him and he says that he’s a singing major and the judges tell him to change his major.  Paula cannot figure out how to reject J.P. and then the producers decide to put on a medley of Paula being incapable of telling terrible singers no. 

Next there’s Asia.  She talks about being a small town girl and I want to vomit.  Sing and get it over already.  While she was busy pursing her dreams of being a superstar her dad had a terrible car accident and died.  She sings How Do I Live? Leanne Rhymes and dedicates it to her dead father.  She’s actually pretty decent and Simon says he likes her.  She gets a golden ticket and a pass to the next round.  Then we have to survive through a bunch of morons that think they can sing and it’s pretty terrible starting with Brooke.  She’s currently some sort of stupid pageant queen.  Her big thing is to convince Simon that pageant girls can sing.  I think she over sings, but what do I know?  Simon says it wasn’t bad, and she gets three yes’s.  After she leaves Simon says she might be the most annoying person he’s ever met.  Then they have a stupid terrible singer medley and I almost fall asleep.  B-O-R-I-N-G.

Producers decide to give a lot of screen time to Eva because she’s insane and in love with Simon.  She says she’s the next American Idol because she has it all, then she proceeds to mangle a song and dance around until she falls on the floor.  Simon says it’s apart of an act.  I sure hope it is because this woman needs to be put to sleep like a really old dog.  Crazy.  Simon calls her on it and she swears it’s not a joke.  She starts flipping out and crying and pleading that she didn’t mean to fall.  She confesses her love for Simon some more but ends up getting rejected regardless.  Hopefully, someone will come along that isn’t psychotic and my prayers are answered with Alexandra who sings My Funny Valentine.  The judges stop her immediately to tell her she’s made it to the next round. 
Now we’re faced with the Clay Aiken effect, nerds that with no pop presence, but this time absolutely no ability to sing.  Then we get to see a bunch of people tell the cameraman to piss off.  Nathan’s next and he’s singing the chorus of some band I have never heard of and he proceeds to have a fit while singing flatly.  Simon calls it a bedroom audition and Nathan tries to be funny, but fails.  It’s a tragedy and I want to die for Nathan.  Amanda’s a biker and a nurse, and I hope she’s better than Nathan.  She sings Mean Woman by Janis Joplin and she’s actually really good.  Everyone loves her and she’s in. 

It’s nearing the end of the day and the judges are actually in a decent mood.  The golden tickets have been flying out of the judge’s hands and into the lucky contestants.  Jossiah lives in his car and he uses this to pimp himself to AI producers saying things like he’s scared and he’s come from nothing.  He sounds British when he sings and Simon wants to know why?  All three judges say it’s weird.  Randy wants him apart of a band and says yes.  Paula says yes cause that’s the only word she knows and Simon says yes.  Along with Jossiah, nineteen other contestants will make it to Hollywood.