DVD Rants

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS: Read The Book, Skip The Movie

Critics Rant — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:33:05 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS, based on the 2002 memoir by bestselling author Augusten Burroughs, tells the story of a young man (Joseph Cross) whose divorcee mother (Annette Bening), an eccentric, borderline schizophrenic poet, abandons him into the care of her equally unhinged therapist (Brian Cox).

The home of Dr. Finch turns out to be more of a loony bin than the broken home young Augusten shared with his crazed mother and alcoholic father (Alec Baldwin). The Finches are a group of over-analyzed, over-medicated cuckoos, including a “perfect” older daughter, Hope (Gwyneth Paltrow), who enjoys cuddly animals, and making stews from cuddly animals; rebellious younger daughter Natalie (Evan Rachel Wood), who enjoys flaunting her budding sexuality and practicing for her career as a future movie star; Finch matriarch Agnes, a beaten down, disheveled woman whose face is frozen with perma-shock; the family’s elder adopted son, Neil, a schizophrenic artist who was also abandoned into Dr. Finch’s care; and the doctor himself, a maniacal and controlling old wolf, cloaked as a shepherd.

As Augusten tries time and again to escape the Finch madhouse and reunite with his loony mother, his life begins to unravel strand by strand. The young boy finds first-love in the arms of Neil, a man twenty years his senior, while constantly contending with Dr. Finch’s dubios assessments of his mental state, and officious prescription of mind-bending pills. Augusten does find some companionship in Natalie, who, like him, has dreams and ambitions that extend far beyond the Finch sanitarium. There is also Agnes, who in Augusten discovers one semi-normal child she can effectively mother. It is ultimately Agnes’ tender care, and financial support, which allows Augusten to break from his mother and move to New York City, to pursue his dream of becoming a writer—which, of course, we know he succeeds in doing.

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS was directed by Ryan Murphy, the creator of the plastic surgery series, “Nip/Tuck.” Murphy tries to infuse Burroughs’ oddball life-story with the kind of irreverent humor that has made “Nip/Tuck” so popular. However, what works for TV doesn’t quite translate to the screen. So concerned are Murphy and co. with presenting us with “the weirdness” of Augusten’s life, that other staples of storytelling—character development, plot arch—quickly fall by the wayside. It’s kind of like leafing through a photo album and being reminded of old anecdotes: “Remember that day, oh that was weird. Remember that other day? That was even weirder.” However after an hour or so, as weird anecdote, after weird anecdote, is seamlessly rolled out, the story as a whole loses focus, point, and cohesion, and becomes as random, weird, and ultimately forgettable, as the anecdotes it’s made of.

The DVD offers a few features, mostly the usual behind the scenes, making the film, interviews with cast and crew. But hearing actors talk about their characters can quickly become a long-winded bore. I had high hopes for the interview segment with the real Augusten Burroughs describing how closely the film mirrored his experiences—but at five minutes long, with mostly shallow commentary from the acclaimed author, those hopes were quickly dashed. Guess we have to buy his books to find out what he’s really thinking.

Bottom line: Read RUNNING WITH SCISSORS, but skip the movie. Some stories just get lost in translation.

THE KING OF KONG: An Epic Battle For Your Heart

Critics Rant — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:00:00 GMT

By Kevin Kelly

KING OF KONG falls into the category of films I like to the call "Little Engines That You Never Thought Would, But They Could Anyhow." On paper, a documentary about two video game players going after the world record high score on Donkey Kong doesn't sound that thrilling, does it? You're probably thinking that you'd either need to be a) a video game nut, b) a documentary nut, or c) someone who just likes odd trivia. Well, you'd be wrong on all counts. I went and saw this movie with a slew of people who weren't video gamers or documentary fans, and we all loved this movie. Now you can pick it up on DVD with a ton of extras and relive the mullet-haired competition in your own home.

So, what's the meat and potatoes of this story? Yes, it is set against a Donkey Kong competition, but who are you rooting for? In some of these contests, each person has their good qualities and their bad qualities. However, in KING OF KONG there is clearly a hero, and clearly a villain, and the filmmakers don't make it any mystery in figuring out who is who. You've got the video game "badass" Billy Mitchell in one corner, the guy who achieved the first ever "perfect game" in history on a Pac-Man machine. In fact, he's been honored the world over as one of the best video game players ever. He's tall, sports a massive mullet, wears patriotic ties with the Statute of Liberty and American flags on them, and has a plastic wife with enormous fake boobs. Oh, and he runs a hot sauce business. If that's not an American success story, then I don't know what is.

SUNSHINE: Fun, But Not Boyle's Best

Critics Rant — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 03:48:47 GMT

By Faith McQuinn

Excuse me while I pull out my stash of sci-fi movies that take place on a spaceship. There’s, of course, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, as well as all the STAR TREK movies, SOLARIS, and one of my personal favorites--EVENT HORIZON. Of course, there are plenty more (especially in my collection), but the ones I have named refer directly to this review.

SUNSHINE is a lot of 2001 with a little EVENT HORIZON, too much SOLARIS (both versions), and to top things off, there’s a small shout out to director Danny Boyle’s masterpiece 28 DAYS LATER. In other words, it’s a recycled story that I’ve seen a few times over which is a little disappointing with a guy like Boyle behind the camera.

It’s the year 2057 and the sun is dying. The crewmembers of Icarus II are sent on a mission to reignite the sun with a bomb that mimics the Big Bang. Soon after they’ve reached the dead zone—an area that doesn’t allow communication with Earth—they discover the lost Icarus I. When the crew makes the decision to rendezvous with the original ship, things go wrong very quickly.

The movie is beautiful. The set design, lighting and camera work are incredible. The actors are great too. I’m always interested to see Cillian Murphy and Michelle Yeoh on screen. And, to my surprise, Chris Evan (FANTASTIC FOUR, NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE), is great in his role. Even with all the positives, the movie still underwhelmed me.

This isn’t a typical sci-fi space movie that focuses on the technology of it all. A lot of disbelief needs to be suspended to believe all the inner workings of Icarus II, but as with most of Boyle’s work, the technicalities really aren’t that important. SUNSHINE is a movie about how eight people in a confined space deal with each other, their own sanity, and the utter importance of their mission.

My real issue with the movie is that the first half focuses on this idea. Then it just goes off into some weird acid trip slasher movie. When physicist Capa (Murphy) makes the decision to go after Icarus I, the problems begin to pile up. Watching the crew, especially Mace (Evans), deal with these problems is really good filmmaking. But after Icarus II docks with Icarus I, things start leaving the realm of 2001 psychology and head very quickly towards EVENT HORIZON creepy and then flew past that into a slasher movie on valium.

There are lots and lots of people who love these shifts, but not me. I want a full on bloody sci-fi slasher, or I want a psychological space movie. Don’t throw both at me, please.

The DVD features are also a little bi-polar. There are typical things like deleted scenes and two commentaries from Danny Boyle and physicist Dr. Brian Cox. Then there are about 20 web production diaries, which are home movie type shorts that range from the cast experiencing zero g to the actors sitting on set discussing the experience. Then there’s the not-so-typical stuff.

There are two sensory extras. One is the “Journey into Sound,” a feature that allows those blessed with 5.1 surround sound to play with the sound in a few scenes. The other is an enhanced viewing mode that will play behind-the-scenes footage of certain scenes while the movie is playing. You have to have picture-in-picture capabilities for both of these features to work, so it sucks for those with older players.

On top of all this extra stuff, there are two short films. Both are really odd, to say the least. The first—DAD’S DEAD—is trippy and creepy and well imagined. The other is, um, well…it’s about piles of dirt. Draw your own conclusions.

So, even though it’s not my favorite Danny Boyle outing, and it’s definitely not my favorite sci-fi movie, SUNSHINE isn’t a terrible way to spend two hours on my couch. The extras are plentiful, so if you loved the movie, I’d definitely recommend buying it. Otherwise, Netflix is the way to go.

ALPHA DOG: Packs More Bite Than You Think

Critics Rant — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 18:00:00 GMT

By Koti Outlaw

When ALPHA DOG hit theaters this time last year, I was one of the many who brushed it aside as being another, tired, Justin Timberfake vehicle. When the DVD was released in the spring, I again brushed the film aside as the kind of MTV fare, best left to HBO Saturday night viewing.

Then people began to talk—people whose opinions I actually listen to. They said I should give ALPHA DOG a chance, that there was far more depth to it than the trailers (mis) advertised. So, after a lengthy wait in my Netflix que, ALPHA DOG recently got its turn in my DVD player. After watching the film, I can say that, while it probably wasn’t worth seeing in the theater, the movie has more going for it, than against it.

ALPHA DOG is based on the true story of Jesse James Hollywood, a California drug dealer who ordered the slaying of a young boy, and wound up being one of the youngest men ever to appear on the FBI’s most wanted list. In this film version, Hollywood’s name has been changed to Johnny Truelove (Emile Hirsch). Johnny is a successful weed dealer, who is supplied by his drug-dealer father (Willis). Like many successful young men, Johnny’s ego is always a step ahead of his sensibilities. He throws wild parties in his lavish Beverly Hills “crib,” keeps flunkies and groupie girls on hand, and flashes his ill-gotten wealth and arsenal of guns like he is some suburban Scarface.

So enamored is Johnny with his own gangsta image—he and his friends berate rap videos for not being as “real” as them—that he thinks he can threaten and muscle whichever meek, teeny-bopper suburbanite owes him a dollar. But Johnny’s bark doesn’t scare Jake Mazursky (Bed Foster), a strung-out, deeply troubled, rich-kid who owes Truelove $1,200. When Johnny tries to push Jake around, Jake shows Johnny what the difference between bark and bite is really about. This sets off a decisive rivalry, one which starts with the usual adolescent antics (breaking into each other’s homes, defecating on carpets, etc…) but quickly escalates into something far more serious, and deadly.

Jake has a half-brother, Zack, who idolizes his older sibling. When Zack’s parents discover he is smoking pot, the geeky boy sneaks away from home, lest he face the wrath of a serious grounding. As Zack wanders around town, he runs afoul of Truelove and his gang, who take the opportunity to get back at Jake by kidnapping his brother. At first they go the gangster route: duct-taping their hostage and flashing guns at him, but this quickly becomes tiresome to the lazy teens. So, on to plan B: party with the kid. While Zack’s parents are at home crying their eyes out, and putting out amber alerts, Zack is having the time of his life, partying it up with the baddest boys in The Valley, drinking, smoking, and having threesomes with hot girls in swimming pools.

However, while Zack is living out his wildest dreams, things are careening toward disaster. Johnny sobers up long enough to realize that he and his posse are facing serious jail time for snatching the kid; worse than that, Jake is rampaging through the streets, (literally) tearing through every bar and club looking for his lost brother. Johnny knows the kid can never go home, if he wants to remain a free man. So he does the unthinkable: orders the most obsequious of his flunkies to murder Zack. The hit is done, sloppily, (these are spoiled teenagers playing gangster after all,) and one by one Johnny and his crew land in prison facing life, or death, sentences.

What surprised me about ALPHA DOG was just how well writer/director Nick Cassavetes let the story breathe. The movie takes its time, showing you in detail how these kids’ privileged lives ultimately took a tragic wrong turn. The form is that a police procedural: each scene is framed with text that lets you know which day of “the incident” you are watching, (Zack was held “hostage” about three days,) and which crime scene you are looking at. Every new character we meet, and even the peripheral extras, are all introduced in freeze-frame, with text listing their name, and their witness number from the trial.

I enjoyed the movie’s procedural format because it really gave me time to meditate on the senselessness of the crime, even as I was watching it unfold. Just seeing the amount of times where parents could’ve intervened, had they been more responsible about their kids, made my stomach turn. The sheer amount of witnesses that knew about the kidnapping as it was happening, (it tops off at thirty-eight,) makes me realize—as Johnny and his friends were headed towards the point of no return—that these were not cunning criminals, but foolish, bone-headed kids, whose only sense of the world was cobbled together from hormones, music-videos, and too much money to throw around. It’s that kind of understanding, and pity, that makes the tragic moment of Zack’s murder resonate so strongly. When the heinous deed is done, you’ve witnessed more than a murder—you’ve watched a handful of young kids throw away their lives forever, and the message definitely hits home.

ALPHA DOG boasts one of the most across-the-board talented casts I’ve seen recetly. Emile Hirsch is, to me, a young Sean Penn. The kid can go from “The Girl Next Door,” to ALPHA DOG, to “Into The Wild,” without missing a beat. Timberlake manages to hold his own, playing the naïve, pothead party-boy who first takes Zack under his wing, only to ultimately deliver him to his death. The pop singer showed some real acting chops in the murder scene. Ben Foster has the ‘unhinged weirdo’ market locked. The barfight sequence where he beats the s@#t out of a dozen men AND women, is better than a kung-fu flick. Sharon Stone turns in a strong performance as Zack’s mother, a suburban mom with everything she could want, who tragedy transforms into an over-weight, heart-broken shell, who babbles on like she’s already slipped over the edge. Stone pulls off the transition well. Willis, as Johnny’s morally ambiguous father, and Henry Dean Stanton as his oldest cohort, bring weight to their brief roles. The cast of lovely young ladies (Dominique Swain, Olivia Wilde and Amanda Seyfried) do well enough with their roles, which are basically the catalysts for these hormone-crazed young men to act like the tough-guys the really aren’t.

The ALPHA DOG DVD has two bonus features. One is the standard “making the movie” video diary, spliced with interviews from the stars and director Nick Cassavettes. It’s pretty so-so. The other feature is a bit cooler: it’s an interactive witness timeline that lists all thirty-eight witness in chronological order, includes their actual testimony taken from the trial. You can click on any one of the witnesses, and you get a chance to re-watch the scene from the film in which that witness appears. It’s pretty nifty.

All in all, ALPHA DOG has some bite to it. Rent it, watch it, give Timberlake a chance. You might not be as disappointed as you thought you would.

3:10 TO YUMA: It Has Both Brains And Bullets

Critics Rant — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:00:23 GMT

By Faith McQuinn

I knew there was very little chance of 3:10 TO YUMA not being a good movie. With a solid cast and a great director, there’s very little room for error, and I was not at all disappointed. Never before have I been so anxious about people making it to a train on time.

Christian Bale is Dan Evans, a Civil War veteran who’s struggling to keep his farm and his family afloat. When big-time criminal Ben Wade (Russell Crowe) crosses his path, Evans jumps at the chance to make some money and take Wade to the train that will take him to Yuma prison. What ensues on the trip is nothing short of a seat-grabbing, tension filled adventure with lots of guns, horses, and a few well-placed explosions.

Christian Bale and Russell Crowe just might play American cowboys better than the Americans who've done it in the past. Crowe's slick bad man Ben Wade is likable even though he shoots his own man in the throat. Bale's Dan Evans is so honorable that, even though what he's doing is basically suicide, you root for him every step of the way.

The standout star, however, is neither of these men. It's Ben Foster. You know, the guy who played Angel in X-MEN 3? Yeah, he's miles away from being angelic in this movie. Foster plays Charlie Prince, Ben Wade’s right hand man. Charlie’s gunplay is deadly and his sneers just might be worse. His eerie comfort at being so ruthless makes him possibly more evil than his boss.

In the DVD commentary, director James Mangold describes them both as men who are neither bad nor good but simply fully realized characters that are simply surviving. This idea is probably was makes 3:10 TO YUMA a better western than we’ve seen in the past few years.

Most of the time, a modern western is simply trying to evoke the westerns of the 1950s. There’s no true story or real people involved, it’s just a movie with dirty men on horses carrying big guns and wearing even bigger hats. The story of Ben Wade and Dan Evans could play in almost any genre and still work. Yeah, there are still some sweeping landscape shots and there are still plenty of dirty men on horses with big guns, but YUMA just feels a little different than the average western.

With such a good movie, I’ll forgive the DVD for being kind of lacking. The three featurettes are rather dry. One is about the old west and looks like a bad Ken Burns ripoff. The other two are behind-the-scenes pieces that talk about making an epic and generic info on the movie. Neither one offers anything interesting.

James Mangold’s feature commentary, on the other hand, is extremely thorough. He talks about everything from shooting outdoors to casting the film to adapting the screenplay. I felt as if I was sitting in one of my old film theory lectures, except I was interested in what this professor had to say.

I am not a big western fan. Never have been and never will be, but I’ve got to say, I have a completely different outlook on 3:10 TO YUMA. It’s truly an exciting action movie that just happens to be a western. It will satisfy the person looking for a popcorn action flick as well as the person who wants a film that’s a bit more on the intelligent side.

The Best DVD Sets of 2007

Critics Rant — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 17:18:05 GMT

By Kevin Kelly

So you managed to end up with a stash of holiday loot, gift certificates, or the newest gift-giving craze: gift cards. Now you're wondering what to spend 'em on? Fear not, you can use our handy-dandy post-holiday DVD self-gift-giving guide-a-palooza to pick out a nice DVD set for yourself. Or, if you're still in a giving mood, for someone else. However, we say since giving unto others is considered to be the best thing, just consider yourself an other. Works every time.

So, this list is broken up into a few different categories, but you'll notice that it skews a bit onto the geeky side. You'll just have to blame me for that one, because I skew slightly geeky myself. However, that's not to say I don't appreciate a good comedy, drama, or documentary from time to time. Check out this list of the best box sets from 2007, and stop letting those gifts burn a hole in your pockets.

Comedy:

SEINFELD: THE COMPLETE SERIES. This is the mother lode of DVD sets, and instead of being presented in a goofy, wacky box set that says "Hello!" like Kramer when you open the box, it's presented in a very swanky, slipcased, classy looking presentation. You get every episode of the show, a ton of bonus items, a coffee table book about the show, and you can display it in style. That's of course if you didn't buy it at Best Buy, in which case it comes in a big goofy fridge, complete with magnets. If you happened to pick that one up, maybe you can use the fridge to keep your dignity in. Check out how far the show went from those first few episodes to the last season, and you'll get all misty-eyed.

KING OF QUEENS: THE COMPLETE SERIES: Okay, granted, this one comes packaged in something goofy, which I was complaining about for Seinfeld, but somehow I just can't be mad at this cute little IPS truck. Plus, you can open up the back, where all the DVDs are housed, and the engine compartment houses the booklet that serves as a guide to the show. At least it doesn't honk and spout off Kevin James clips when you open it up. If you're a KoQ fan, then you'll seriously love this set. I mean, you'll seriously be infatuated with it enough to possibly marry it. Sicko.

Action/Adventure:

THE YOUNG INDIANA JONES CHRONICLES: Volumes One and Two: This show was best when it featured the teenaged Indiana Jones, but the young Indy stories have started to grow on me over the years. Paramount finally released these sets on DVD last year, with a Volume Three coming out this year around the 4th feature film, and it's about time. Harrison Ford even guest stars as old Indy in one episode, plus it is loads better than the STAR WARS prequels. Trust me.

THE BOURNE COLLECTION: These films managed to to surprise everyone, who knew Matt Damon could kick so much ass? Each film was progressively better than the last, and the final one surprised cynics by not sucking. I was one of those doubters, but I was still sitting there in the theater seat munching my popcorn each time a new Bourne film came out, so it's no surprise that I had to pick up this boxed set to keep hope alive. Maybe I'm actually a secret government sleeper agent, programmed to go nuts when someone says to secret code word. You never know.

Documentary:

PLANET EARTH: You've probably heard everyone in the world talking about this set, or seen it displayed everywhere from Target to Borders bookstores. Let me say without any qualm whatsoever: the hype is totally understated. Quite simply, this is one of the most amazing documentaries about the planet we live on that I've ever seen in my life. You can't help but be moved as you watch this and find out things that you've never known before, including things that will make it seem like you're living on an alien planet. If you have access to an HD or Blu-ray player, then I can't recommend picking one of those versions up enough. It'll blow your eyeballs away.

BLUE PLANET: Made by the same crew that did PLANET EARTH, it's yet another look at the Earth, this time focusing solely on the bodies of water that surround us. While the other set by be a half-notch above this one, it doesn't mean it's any less stunning. Again, pick up an HD version of this if you can as well, for the same reasons as above. This played in IMAX theaters (and in some cases, still does) around the world, and allows you a peek into a world you've only seen hinted at in movies like THE ABYSS and James Cameron's ALIENS OF THE DEEP.

ATLAS OF THE NATURAL WORLD: Africa and Europe: Made by the BBCs Natural History unit (how is it that the BBC and British crews just kick so much ass at documentary filmmaking? Seriously, they must be breeding these guys there. This six-disc set focuses on the African and European continents from the dawn of time to the rise of human civilization, and shows how much things have changed over the eons. Truly stunning stuff. Unfortunately, it's not available on HD, but it doesn't look any less stellar in this DVD format.

Sci Fi:

THE X-FILES: THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION: This is a massive box set that includes every single episode of the show, tons of bonus materials like a guidebook, a comic book, a mini-poster, and more, all housed in a giant box with a hidden shelf underneath that conceals the extra goods. It's more Mulder and Scully than you can shake a stick at, including over 9,0000 minutes of television PLUS this X-FILES: FIGHT THE FUTURE feature film, and that's not including the all extra materials. The only thing that bums us out is that they didn't include spinoff series THE LONE GUNMEN, so you'll have to pick that up separately if you're a completist. You can't go wrong with this thing.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: SEASON ONE: HD-DVD: Yes, I have an HD-DVD player that's tacked on Voltron-style to my Xbox 360. Yes, I know the recent defection of Warners to the Blu-ray camp has probably killed off the HD-DVD format, but that didn't stop me from picking up BSG in HD. Why? Because I frakkin' love this show, and it looks amazing in HD. Plus they tossed in some new special features, so I feel like I'm not getting entirely ripped off. Did I mention it looks gorgeous?

DOCTOR WHO: SEASON THREE: This is still one of those shows that I find tough to admit liking to others. Sure, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA is the cool kid of the moment, but DOCTOR WHO has been around since the 1960s. The recent reboot that is now in its third season is nothing short of spectacular. David Tennant has been soaring to the same awesome campy heights that Tom Baker managed all those years ago, and there's the added advantage of the special effects being slightly better. Considering the normal BBC special effects, that's actually saying something. This set has a slew of extras, including the Christmas special and David's video diaries. Sonic screwdriver not included.

HEROES: SEASON ONE: While Season Two might have started out with a bit of a whimper instead of a bang, the first season still shines on DVD. In fact, you'll easily get sucked in and find yourself watching several episodes at a stretch. Before you know it, you're done. Hopefully NBC will release Volume Two, the first half of Season Two, on DVD soon, since the writers strike is keeping new shows from being made. Tons of extras, commentaries, and a couple of wacky superpower related games make this a loaded up special edition worth picking up. And yes, you guessed it... if you can pick up the HD version, make sure you do. You'll see details you never noticed before.

STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES: SEASON ONE: That's right, again with the HD-DVD. Now, I have to confess that I was never really a big fan of the original series, having grown up all The Next Generation and such, but this set has made me see everything, literally, in a brand new light. They upgraded the special effects for the show, the shots of the Enterprise, and filled it chock full of extras, so this actually surprised me enough to start recommending it to everyone. Now I'll have to pick up the next two seasons, which I hope they'll still be putting out in HD-DVD format. That's turning out to be a blessing and a curse... a blessing in how good it looks, and a curse given that it might die a sad death. The good news is, it has the regular DVD edition on the flipside.

BLADE RUNNER: THE FINAL CUT: Here it is, the grand finale of the list. There was no way I'd be living this thing off the list. I splurged for the massive box sex, and it's a behemoth. It comes packaged in a ultra-slick Blade Runner briefcase, meant to look like the Voigt-Kampf test machine that Deckard uses in the film. Plus you get limited edition photos, a miniature origami unicorn, a replica Spinner police car, a lenticular motion card of Deckard inside a lucite magnet block, and of course, the movies. Oh, and a letter from Ridley Scott himself, personally thanking you for paying off his third house in Malibu. Er, I mean buying the film. Seriously, this is a fantastic edition of the film, and it didn't even look this good when it originally hit the screens. Without a doubt, the finest looking set I've ever purchased. Now I just have to find somewhere to hide that briefcase.

THE LAST KISS: Doesn't Last Long

Critics Rant — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 15:41:11 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

Ugh, I hate Zach Braff. Whose decision was it to make him the sexy nerd posterboy? Whoever it was, I am out to kill them cause I have known a lot of sexy geek guys and he is absolutely not one of them. Zach Braff is just another ugly guy that comes across and tortured, neurotic and not very good-looking, but in a charming way. Dear casting directors, I hate you.

This time around Zach Braff plays the same character he always does—the sort of silly nerd guy that is having problems in a relationship. I guess that isn’t much of a stretch for him and hope he dies alone the way his type cast deserves to. Braff plays Michael, an architect in an early mid-life crisis whom has to face growing up when his girlfriend, Jenna (Jacinda Barrett) tells him she’s pregnant. The two attend a wedding after learning about the pregnancy where Michael pontificates over his boring, loser existence when Kim (Rachel Bilson) starts flirting with him.

Michael wants to know if this is the end of life in terms of surprises as he’s about to become a father. Kim goes out of her way to show her interest in Michael and because Michael is a man and an idiot he takes her advances seriously, even though he’s got a knocked up girlfriend waiting for him. Before they part, Kim tells him where and when she hangs out after classes. While all of everyone else in this film has their relationships deteriorate, Michael actively chooses to kill his when he makes a date with Kim. Jenna catches him in the lie and flips out in a way that only pregnant women can and kicks him out of the house. With nowhere to go, Michael heads back to Kim’s place where they do the horizontal mambo and Kim declares that she doesn’t care what happens just as long as they enjoy the moment.

Kim is a liar. Michael is caught. Jenna freaks out and everything goes according to life’s plan as we see people have to work super hard to prove that a relationship can be saved if you really want to rescue it from death. Jenna’s father (Tom Wilkinson) and her Mother (Blythe Danner) who happen to be having their own marital problems tell Michael to do whatever it takes to prove himself to Jenna.

Apparently, doing whatever it takes means sitting outside of your locked house for an indeterminate amount of time. After what appears to be a few days, Jenna forgives Michael for boning Kim and allows him inside the house. I don’t know if you’ve caught on, but this movie is absolutely stupid because a lot of the time the other woman will end up doing something crazy and makes everyone sorry. Rachel Bilson comes across as too needy and nice when she should have played it a little less sane and a little more Fatal Attraction. Whatever. I still hate Zach Braff, angry pregnant women and psychosexual dramas.

THE HOTTEST STATE: Gets A Cold Shoulder

Critics Rant — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:53:18 GMT

By Curt Schleier

THE HOTTEST STATE is supposedly about the angst of young love. But the angst most viewers will feel has more to do with the quality of the story. The movie is self-indulgent, its dialogue insipid and there’s not a fresh thought in the nearly-two-hour movie. It’s enough to give independent films a bad name.

THE HOTTEST STATE is based on Ethan Hawke’s 1996 semi-autobiographical novel of the same name. When I say “based on,” I mean he changed the background of one of the story’s principal characters.

In the book, William falls for Sarah, a preschool teacher from Seattle who is plump and wears long dresses because she thinks her thighs are fat. In the film, William (Mark Webber) falls for Sara (Catalina Sandino Moreno), an Hispanic girl of uncertain origin. Why the change? Hard to say what purpose it serves. But, then it’s hard to say what purpose any of this serves.

Let us begin with William, a young actor soon to celebrate his 21st birthday. He was conceived in the back seat of a Plymouth Barracuda three weeks after his parents met somewhere near Dallas. They married briefly and divorced less than amicably. When he was eight, his mother moved to New York – or at least the New York area; that’s not entirely clear – and eventually William and his father lose contact.

Sara has a significant Spanish accent, though she was apparently raised in Connecticut after her father left the family. She’s moved to New York City to become a country western singer, but her English pronunciation is so bad you have to wonder what country that might be.

They meet cute. William immediately falls for her and tells a friend: “Sometimes I think if I get her to like me everything I don’t like about myself will disappear.” (Exhibit A in the insipid dialogue category.)

She loves him, she loves him not. The film becomes less an exploration of the pain of young love than soap opera-ish indecision. Yes, she finally agrees that they can live together though without traditional sex. “I think if we have sex I’ll fall in love with you.” (Exhibit B in the insipid dialogue category.) On the plus side, Sara services William in, eh, another way.

She takes him to meet her mother. He passes some kind of test, because she agrees to go to Mexico with him where he is filming Tennessee Williams’ Camino Real.

They spend a week in Mexico before shooting of Camino Real begins and seem to have great and frequent sex. She even wants them to get married, but then she doesn’t. Still life is wonderful. She begs him: “Promise me if something goes wrong, if I run away, you’ll find me and make me kiss you. (Exhibit C in the insipid dialogue category.)

When he returns to New York, Sara decides she doesn’t want a boy friend. So Williams decides to become a whiner and stalker. He calls her and asks her to call him. He calls her back right away to apologize for calling the first time. Then he calls her again and tells her about a date he had with a former girlfriend.

Apparently life without a daddy scarred him emotionally, because as he explains to his mother Jesse (Laura Linney): “I don’t seem to have the first idea how men are supposed to behave.” (Exhibit D, etc., etc.)

Jesse is the man in his life in terms of the no-nonsense advice she gives him. “I think you’ll be astonished how many times you fall in love,” (Exhibit E?) she says when he whines about losing Sara. Life is short, she adds. Get over it. If only he’d listened, the film could have been at least a merciful half hour shorter.

Between her cruel back and forth with William and his childish whining behavior, they clearly are two people who deserve each other.

Oh, there is additional bad news and good news. One of the DVD’s special features is a short also written and directed by Hawke. That’s the bad news. The good news is it really is short.

FRACTURE: Fails To Break Any New Ground

Critics Rant — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:44:11 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

For every new role that he accepts, I’m pretty sure Sir Anthony Hopkins has to turn down a hundred scripts that call for him to play some bastardized version of Hannibal Lector. Imagine my surprise then to come across FRACTURE, a film that denies its own existence as a SILENCE OF THE LAMBS knock-off by dressing itself up as a courtroom drama.

Hopkins plays Ted Crawford, an analytical genius and safety inspector, who’s made a fortune divining the flaws in complex machinery. An eerily calm, calculated man, Crawford never loses composure when he discovers that his young trophy wife is having an affair. Instead, he does what he always does: analyzes, looks for weakness and then exploits those weaknesses. One night, when his wife returns home after a romp with her lover, Crawford calmly says his goodbyes, before he pulls out a gun and shoots her in the head, within earshot of all his groundskeepers and servants.

The police arrive to a scene along with a crisis negotiator to coax Crawford out of his home. The joke is on the negotiator though: Crawford’s wife was the woman he’d been having the affair with—a fact he had no way of knowing, since she insisted the affair remain strictly anonymous. The jilted lover hauls Crawford down to the station, secures his confession, vindicated that the monster will rot in prison for the rest of his life.

The state gets hotshot Deputy District Attorney Willy Beachum (Ryan Gosling), who has never lost a case, to close the books on Crawford nice and smoothly. Willy only half cares about the obligation; he is in the process of leaving his haggard job as a public prosecutor for a cushy, high-paying job at the city’s largest corporate law firm. The new job comes with a hot new boss, Nikki (Rosamund Pike), who instructs Willy to close out the past quickly so that he can embrace his glorious new future.

At the hearing for Crawford’s case, the evil genious takes a shine to country-bumpkin-made-good Willy (Clarice Starling Alert!); Crawford opts to forgo a lawyer and represent himself, on the stipulation that Willy be his prosecutor, setting up a one-on-one match-up Willy is happy to accept. The young prosecutor goes to the first day of trial half-cocked and unprepared, sure that his case is airtight. It’s a setup of course: Crawford reveals to the court that the arresting officer was also his wife’s lover, thereby rendering the confession null and void. Even worse, the supposed murder weapon has never been fired, and doesn’t match the shell casings collected from the scene of the crime. Crawford had no powder residue on his clothes or person, and there are no eyewitnesses who can attest to having actually seen Crawford pull the trigger. In five minutes flat, Willy goes from shutting the books on his final case, to the living nightmare of having no case at all.

That erroneous stumble lands Willy in a world of trouble. His new corporate bosses don’t want a screw-up on the team, and his old bosses in the DA’s office need a scapegoat to take the heat. This is exactly where Crawford wants Willy: trapped between a rock and a hard place, with weaknesses fully exposed. While Crawford tries to work Hannibal Lector mind games on him, Willy tries to keep his eyes on locating the missing murder weapon, the one thing that can return him to his cushy new job and the angelic girl waiting just beyond this bit of hell. The harder Willy fights to rise above, the lower Crawford manages to pull him. Without giving the plot twists away, Crawford manages to avoid incarceration, stepping over Willy to win his freedom. But before the maniacal murderer can celebrate too much, Willy, disgraced and discredited, has one last trick left up his sleeve.

While an evil genius character like Ted Crawford is, by now, surely a cakewalk for Hopkins to play, it is to Gosling’s credit that he is able to not only hang with Hopkins in the scenes they share, trading snarky quips and razored one-liners—he even manages to get in a few pretty good shots of his own. However, both actors are clearly in it for a bit of practice and a paycheck. Gosling’s sad eyes and heavy-headedness hollowly echo the quiet torment and eye-checked melancholy he evoked for his Oscar-nominated turn in HALF NELSON. Hopkins is just happy to be playing the brainy bad guy again—I counted about have a dozen winks to Dr. Lector in his performance. Still, when you’re talking about two actors of this caliber, even their improv and exorcises are more engaging than what most of their peers bring to the screen.

It’s a good thing too, because beyond watching Gosling and Hopkins face off, there really isn’t too much to FRACTURE that we couldn’t have gotten from an episode of LAW & ORDER. This is a by-the-numbers courtroom procedural, and while there are some pretty original twists, they leave you with more of an “Oh that’s clever,” feeling rather than an “Oh wow, I never saw that coming!” kind of euphoria. Director Gregory Hoblit frames some pretty good shots and scenes. None to write home about though. Hoblit wisely opts to give his powerhouse leads the needed breathing room for them to flex their acting muscles. Parts of the film that occur outside the courtroom feel stalled, half-formed, and are somewhat distracting—including Willy’s romance with ice-queen prosecutor Nikki, which should be nominated for “weakest chemistry between two hot people, 2007.”

FRACTURE is the type of movie that you’ll catch on TV, probably during a Sunday “Million Dollar Movie” afternoon while you’re cleaning your house. You’ll read the names of the headliners and say to yourself “Oh! I remember when Hopkins and/or Gosling did this!” You might even half pay attention, if you’ve got that much cleaning to do. Otherwise, this film will become another forgotten flick on an actor’s résumé, whose name is kept alive only through the good grace of IMDB. Don’t everyone rush out at once to see it.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:

Critics Rant — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:00:00 GMT

By Curt Schleier

The producers of HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF PHOENIX are to be congratulated on a number of significant accomplishments. PHOENIX is the fifth film in the series and David Heyman and David Barron have managed to hold the cast together. If this were an American production, the young actors would have been hold-outs for money when they weren’t out clubbing at night, getting embarrassing pictures (or videos) posted on the web and getting arrested for drink and drugs.

The biggest scandal involving the young Harry Potter stars was when young Daniel Radcliffe appeared on stage buck naked. That was less scandal than a matter of young Radcliffe stretching, and by stretching of course I mean stretching artistically.

Another significant accomplishment is getting some very talented (mostly British) actors to take key and often continuing roles. Many are considered among the pantheon of the world’s finest actors, and yet they don’t give the impression that they’re slumming. They took HARRY POTTER as seriously as they take HAMLET.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, they resisted the temptation to make each succeeding film in the series BIGGER AND BETTER AND MORE SPECTACULAR. They stayed true to the book. And though they brought in different directors, each (potentially) with a vision of his own, the newcomers stayed true to and honored J. K. Rowling’s words.

PHOENIX is the darkest of the films to date. Lord Voldemort (Ralph Finnes), he whose name should not be mentioned, is gathering the forces of evil. In fact, the film begins with an attack on Harry in a suburban subway (or underpass to you non-Brits) and picks up speed from there. The Order of the Phoenix, a group founded years ago to fight him, is concerned. Many of its members, including Harry’s father, have fallen victim to Voldemort.

Although the Dark Lord is the main enemy, Harry’s problems are exacerbated by Cornelius Fudge (Robert Hardy), the minister of magic. For strategic reasons, Fudge refuses to acknowledge that Voldemort has returned. He plants stories in the press suggesting that Harry – the papers call him Harry Plotter --is lying. This causes his classmates to doubt his version of the death (at the end of GOBLET OF FIRE) of Cedric Diggory. So, in addition to the normal pains and stresses of adolescence, Potter increasingly faces his own isolation.

To make matters worse, Fudge installs an ally, Delores Umbrage (Imelda Staunton), at Hogwarts and she immediately makes changes in the curriculum that lessen Dumbledore’s (Michael Gambon) influence. Fudge believes that Dumbledore wants his job, and this is an effort to rein him in. But the changes at the school from practical magic to theoretical also leaves the students less prepared to fight Voldemort when he comes.

And, of course, he does come, in a climactic battle that makes it clear that the known universe is not big enough for the both him and Harry. There’s another death, as well, leading to what will (in about two films) be a final clash between good and evil.

The film works surprisingly well on the small screen. I wish though the DVD producers had been a little more inventive in terms of special features. Your only choice is selected scenes. Big deal.

A number of logical possibilities come to mind, including an interview with Rowling or perhaps screenwriter Michael Goldenberg on the difficulties of condensing a 900-plus-page book to the screen. Or interviews with the actors. Or any number of things just to let us know that they put as much thought into packaging the DVD as they did the film.

Well, if not as much thought, at least some thought.