TV Rants

AMERICAN IDOL -- "Atlanta Auditions"

Critics Rant — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 16:33:45 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

Apparently Atlanta hatches stars like Britney Spears hatches fetal alcohol syndrome children, I know this because Ryan Seacrest knows this. First of all, we get to meet stupid Ryan’s parents. Guess what, I could have lived the rest of my life without having to waste time on getting to know them. Once that is out of the way, Ryan introduces us to Joshua. He works with glass and I am not sure if I care about any of this. He tells the judges that he’s going to show them something they’ve never seen before. I guess by this he means scare the crap out of them with terrible vocals since this tends to be the trend with contestants and I’m absolutely correct because he makes demonic eyes and it scares Simon. They make him turn around and sing. Simon says he’s very karaoke, but Paula and Randy say yes and that’s that. Joshua’s made it to the second round.

J.P. has auditioned before, two people behind Carrie Underwood, and now he’s sad he never kept in touch with her. He likes to think he has a star quality, but he is ugly and I bet this goes terrible. I am right and it sounds like he swallowed his own voice and is singing from a voice inside his voice. Simon mocks him and he says that he’s a singing major and the judges tell him to change his major. Paula cannot figure out how to reject J.P. and then the producers decide to put on a medley of Paula being incapable of telling terrible singers no.

Next there’s Asia. She talks about being a small town girl and I want to vomit. Sing and get it over already. While she was busy pursing her dreams of being a superstar her dad had a terrible car accident and died. She sings How Do I Live? Leanne Rhymes and dedicates it to her dead father. She’s actually pretty decent and Simon says he likes her. She gets a golden ticket and a pass to the next round. Then we have to survive through a bunch of morons that think they can sing and it’s pretty terrible starting with Brooke. She’s currently some sort of stupid pageant queen. Her big thing is to convince Simon that pageant girls can sing. I think she over sings, but what do I know? Simon says it wasn’t bad, and she gets three yes’s. After she leaves Simon says she might be the most annoying person he’s ever met. Then they have a stupid terrible singer medley and I almost fall asleep. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Producers decide to give a lot of screen time to Eva because she’s insane and in love with Simon. She says she’s the next American Idol because she has it all, then she proceeds to mangle a song and dance around until she falls on the floor. Simon says it’s apart of an act. I sure hope it is because this woman needs to be put to sleep like a really old dog. Crazy. Simon calls her on it and she swears it’s not a joke. She starts flipping out and crying and pleading that she didn’t mean to fall. She confesses her love for Simon some more but ends up getting rejected regardless. Hopefully, someone will come along that isn’t psychotic and my prayers are answered with Alexandra who sings My Funny Valentine. The judges stop her immediately to tell her she’s made it to the next round.
Now we’re faced with the Clay Aiken effect, nerds that with no pop presence, but this time absolutely no ability to sing. Then we get to see a bunch of people tell the cameraman to piss off. Nathan’s next and he’s singing the chorus of some band I have never heard of and he proceeds to have a fit while singing flatly. Simon calls it a bedroom audition and Nathan tries to be funny, but fails. It’s a tragedy and I want to die for Nathan. Amanda’s a biker and a nurse, and I hope she’s better than Nathan. She sings Mean Woman by Janis Joplin and she’s actually really good. Everyone loves her and she’s in.

It’s nearing the end of the day and the judges are actually in a decent mood. The golden tickets have been flying out of the judge’s hands and into the lucky contestants. Jossiah lives in his car and he uses this to pimp himself to AI producers saying things like he’s scared and he’s come from nothing. He sounds British when he sings and Simon wants to know why? All three judges say it’s weird. Randy wants him apart of a band and says yes. Paula says yes cause that’s the only word she knows and Simon says yes. Along with Jossiah, nineteen other contestants will make it to Hollywood.

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES -- "Heavy Metal"

Critics Rant — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:08:24 GMT

By Kofi Outlaw

John Connor’s Terminator-bodyguard Cameron learned that Cromartie, the terminator missioned with assassinating John, had followed them through the time-portal into the future. Sarah’s first instinct was to run, however John had another idea: turn the tables by hunting the hunter.

Cameron surmised that Cromartie’s initial target would be an incoming shipment of rare metal that could be used to repair his damaged exoskeleton. Cameron, John and Sarah went a reconnaissance mission down at the docks, only to discover that a new terminator—posing as the leader of an Army squad—was after the shipment. Sarah wanted to scrub the assault, but John wouldn’t be deterred; to him, the shipment of metal was a convoy of future enemy soldiers, which needed to be destroyed before it could ever become a threat. John disobeyed orders and snuck onto the truck containing the shipment, leaving Sarah and Cameron scrambling to follow him.

Meanwhile, the real Cromartie—wearing a freshly grown, albeit deformed, skin—broke into a plastic surgery center and forced a surgeon to alter his looks to match those of an out of work actor. Agent Ellison was called in once the surgeon’s body was discovered, slathered in “blood that’s not quite blood.” After reviewing the surgeon’s security tapes, Ellison brought in the actor and questioned him; the clueless sap was deemed innocent, and released to go home—where Cromartie was waiting to take his place, permanently.

Sarah and Cameron finally located John at a nuclear fallout shelter in an old hanger bay. Apparently, this new terminator’s mission was to stockpile the necessary materials for building the killer cyborgs, and then to go on standby, safely protected in the hanger, until judgment day took place and the war began.

Inside the hanger, John watched the terminator eliminate his human lackeys and then go into “sleep mode.” After a quick call to Cameron, he surmised that after opening the bay doors he would have fifteen seconds to escape before the terminator could reboot his systems. John opened the doors, but wasn’t content to leave empty handed. He and Sarah hijacked the truck of metal alloy, while Cameron put the smackdown on the terminator, and sealed him in the hanger…for now, at least.

This episode continued to demonstrate that TSCC has a carefully plotted, pointed story arch to it. I enjoy how every episode relates to Sarah’s voice-over narration, and the themes and internal conflicts she wrestles with as mother to the future leader of humanity. John is showing some cohunes, which I appreciate, and Cameron continues to put the kind of smack down that cyborg-chick should. “Bionic Woman” take notes: this is how it’s done. Some say this show is boring, but I remind them not to compare it to the TERMINATOR films, but rather to other TV shows. Compared to this season of PRISON BREAK, TSCC deserves an Emmy.

PRISON BREAK -- "Under & Out"

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 23:49:36 GMT

By Faith McQuinn

It’s been two weeks, and Fox spent a lot of money during the Superbowl to advertise the escape that was supposed to happen tonight on PRISON BREAK. Well, I waited an hour just to get a bunch of men huddled in a dirt tunnel waiting for some lights to go out. Oh well, at least I finally got a good episode out of it.

I think I can safely say tonight’s episode was the best of the season. Not as good as anything from season one, but definitely better than the crap the producers and such have been passing off as good television.

The episode starts with Michael (Wentworth Miller) hanging out with his ever-growing gang of escapees. They’re all waiting for their leader to tell them how and when they will escape. Michael and Whistler (Chris Vance) are on a time crunch. They have to be out by morning, or Lincoln’s son will be missing a head. The others, especially Lachero (Robert Wisdom), point out they have no time schedule and would just like to get out alive. Michael could care less, but no matter how he feels, he explains the plan.

The men will dig all night and escape at first light. But uh oh, things get a little wet. With a sudden downpour risking the integrity of their tunnel, Michael moves the escape to before sunrise. The men grumble, but Michael says they go then or never. At night, the guards are doubled and they do jeep patrols. More guards mean more guns, and more guns usually makes for better television.

Meanwhile, on the outside, Lincoln (Dominic Purcell) and Sucre (Amaury Nolasco) are preparing for the morning escape. Sucre meets with Susan (Jodi Lyn O’Keefe) and is pressured into telling her the truth after she returns the bomb he left in her car. He reveals that Michael is having reservations about handing Whistler over, and Susan pulls out her badass card and starts choking Sucre. Now, I know Susan is supposedly some amazing trained killer or whatever, but she always goes way over the top with her mean bitch act. It’s not even scary. Unfortunately, no one will kill her anytime soon, so I’m just going to have to deal with O’Keefe’s overacting for the next couple of weeks.

After Sucre spills all he knows to Susan, Sofia (Danay Garcia) is abducted. Susan is so worried that Michael will actually get cold feet that she decides to take a little more insurance out on the plan. Susan calls Lincoln. Lincoln arrives to find Sofia. Lincoln calls Michael to talk to Whistler, and through the best cell phone reception I’ve ever heard, Whistler hears Sofia being tortured.

What’s a man to do when his girlfriend is being threatened? He has to give The Company the information they want, right? Well, Michael doesn’t think so. He tells Whistler that he can’t give The Company what they want. Without a bargaining chip, everyone will die. In the end, Whistler listens and ends up giving Susan only half the information she requested. Susan is not happy, but admires Whistler’s newfound pair of “oysters.” She gives Michael and Whistler 24 hours to escape, or L.J., Sofia, and probably Mary Cruz will die.

Stressed beyond belief, Michael starts setting his plan in motion. First, the entire escape crew works overtime at getting the tunnel dug out. Second, Sucre cuts the gas lines to all the jeeps. Third, Lincoln has got to figure a way to cut the power to the prison, giving everyone 30 seconds of darkness before the backup generator kicks in.

Wow. If all this isn’t enough, Sucre gets called in because the head guard did a background check and found out his alias is actually a wanted man. Then, Lachero and T-Bag (Robert Knepper) stage a small coup. For some reason, they don’t trust Michael (imagine that), and they decide they want to be the first out of the hole. Michael lets them, and the episode ends with Lachero perched and waiting for the lights to go out.

I guess next week we’ll find out if all the decisions Michael was forced to make will work out for the best. The first time he planned an escape, he let out the likes of T-Bag and got a whole bunch of people very dead. This time, maybe T-Bag will end up dead and everyone who deserves to be safe (Mahone, Michael, and Whistler) will be.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Might Be Coming To The Big Screen

Critics Rant — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 23:42:52 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

I died a little on the inside when FOX cancelled ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. I mean, buying the box set of the series is a nice consolation prize, but after a while you can act out your Job fantasies so much until you turn into a psycho-loser. Not that I have any Gob Bluth (Will Arnett) fantasies or anything. My problems might be mended sooner than I ever envisioned, Jason Batemen has told E! that he’s spoken to creators of the show (Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard) and is willing to be a part of the ensemble cast in an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie.

Along with Batemen, Jeffrey Tambor has admitted he’s been contacted and also is in favor of bringing the Bluth family to the big screen. In addition, Hurwitz admits he doesn’t have a script yet, but has a basic understanding of what he wants the Bluth’s to go through. I’ll admit a lot of people are psyched about the SEX IN THE CITY movie reunion, but I’m not one of these boring trailer, trash whores. I’ve lived that life and you have to get it over when you’re young or you’re nothing but an old hag living in the past. However, I am absolutely ecstatic about the idea of an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie. Nerds and crazy family hijinks are as timeless as the hilarity that ensues when you’re dealing with the Bluths. What do you think? Is the idea of an ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT reunion the best thing to happen to movies in 2008? Leave your opinion in the comments.

HOUSE -- "Frozen"

Critics Rant — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:16:30 GMT

By Buzz Byrne

Anyone who actually paid money to see the movie WISEGIRLS has probably wanted to see a hole drilled in Mira Sorvino’s head for years. Tonight, it happens on HOUSE M.D. She plays a psychiatrist on an Antarctic power station- the lone doctor, and when one of the workers gets wounded by a wild turbine blade, she swoops in, pours glue on the severed femoral artery and wraps up the gash with duct tape. MacGuyver with curves and an Oscar…Grr.

But then she seizes up from an attack of some kind and vomits green stuff. Now she is House’s perfect woman. Of course House (Hugh Laurie) has his troubles too. He is no longer getting premium cable at the hospital. Nonetheless, he takes her case and treats her via bandwidth and monitor cams.

At first the Housian diagnostic crew says kidney stones, then her lung collapses. She re-inflates it on her own with a hypodermic needle and trust. The new diagnosis is cancer. To confirm this theory she needs to find a swollen node to biopsy. House helps her from his living room and laptop. He makes her get naked- except for the socks, and then plays Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s get it on.” The sexual interplay extends as they probe each other’s minds more so than their bodies. House only bristles when the talk comes to his leg. “Are you going to fix me now?” he sneers. “I never said you needed fixing.” Oh my.

But it’s not cancer. And House still doesn’t have his cable despite siccing his fellows on Cameron who happens to be on the hospital’s budget committee. They disproved the cancer thing with a paper clip, by the way. House is fine taking some ribbing from Wilson and Foreman about having a crush on the patient but when she points out that he is spending quite a bit of time online with her, he breaks the connection. Heck, he even asked if she was “Okay.” As Wilson said, “You’ve never asked me that question!”

But the sick get sicker and this patient passes out and into a coma. Her buddy with the Home Depot repair job on his leg re-enters the scene and becomes House’s surrogate eyes, hands and, well, taste buds. See, in order to tell if the problem is in her head or the kidneys her urine needs to be tasted. Strong pee and it’s the kidneys, watery and it’s a noggin problem. When the guy doesn’t hesitate, House realizes he isn’t the only one with feelings for this shrink.

And so we see this strapping young guy drink pee. And tell us it’s watery. I hope the producers of SURVIVOR are watching because this should be a challenge in the up-coming season.

Now that it’s a head issue, the guy has to drill the hole and relive the pressure. Done and done. House even gets his cable back and figures out the diagnosis- broken toe caused it all and now everything is perfect. The patient is saved and she looks longingly after House but embraces the pee-drinker. The fellows get some job security and Wilson has a girlfriend.

Wha-what? Remember Cutthroat Bitch? She’s back and she has Wilson. Things are getting good.

ELI STONE -- "Pilot"

Critics Rant — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 00:02:44 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

Here’s Eli (Johnny Lee Miller). He’s an attorney in San Francisco and a complete yuppie asshole. We meet him as he’s climbing a mountain in Tibet and telling us he might be a prophet. Next, we join Eli in a flash forward to his boring life where he keeps hearing the music of George Michael. He keeps hearing the music and stopping everyone around him to ask what the hell the song is. First he does this in a work meeting and then later, when he’s having sex and he has to stop it because he hears the music again. He wanders into his living room where he sees George Michael singing his hit Faith. Then he passes out.

Eli goes to visit his brother, Nathan, a doctor. Nathan says nothing is wrong with Eli and blames the problems on stress. While back at work, his assistant tells him to visit her acupuncturist, which he scoffs at. Then the woman from the meeting the day before, Elizabeth, shows up and asks Eli to represent her. He explains to her that he cannot sue his own client and offers to get her another ten thousand. She says there is more to it than that and she says it was worth a shot then leaves his office. When she leaves the auditory hallucinations begin again and Eli sees George Michael performing in his lobby. When he wakes up from his delusion everyone around him is staring.

After that, Eli decides to go to the acupuncturist, where something is triggered in his memory and he realizes that the client, Elizabeth, is the woman he lost his virginity to while listening to Faith by George Michael. He goes to Elizabeth’s house and confronts her with this and then tells her to go to his office in the morning cause he’s going to get fired for asking to represent her case. Is Eli Stone turning a new leaf?

At the meeting with his bosses at work he continues with his auditory apparitions while talking his bosses into allowing him to representing Elizabeth. He keeps hearing a bell. It’s the bell of a San Francisco trolley followed by the voice asking him to jump aboard. Eli tells Dr. Chen, the acupuncturist that it was the voice of his dead alcoholic father and we flashback to when Eli won a debate award and his father missed it because he was drunk, but as his consolation prize his father hands him a postcard of the Tibetan mountain then his father hops off the trolley and into a bar.

Eli goes to court, representing Elizabeth and doing all that he can to win the case. Elizabeth says she’s afraid they will lose the case as she leaves his office and his secretary walks in and hands him some document that says there is a link between the vaccine and autism. A confidential document that he isn’t supposed to have and could lead to him being disbarred. Here is where things get screwy; the person hiding this document is his fiancée’s (Natasha Henstridge) father, Jordan (Victor Garber), who happens to be his boss. When Eli confronts his future father-in-law and boss with this he is basically told that if he blows the whistle it will kill his career and his life. Eli Stone is in a pickle and immediately begins having another vision where he is climbing the Tibetan mountain again. In the middle of it he hears the voice of his brother and fiancée as they plea with him not to jump off his balcony. When he snaps out of it he’s looking at the street from downtown San Francisco and one wrong move will result in him splattered all over the city. Now his brother is finally worried.

Eli ends up back in his brother’s office and they link Eli’s episodes to a brain aneurysm that is pressing up against certain parts of the brain causing his delusions of grandeur. Because it is so deep they cannot operate on it, but Eli is going to have to learn to cope with seeing George Michael or his dead father or the mountains in Tibet. Now Eli has nothing to lose cause he’s probably going to die. When he gets to court he calls the executive of the company responsible for the vaccine to the stand. He asks him if he allowed his daughter to get the vaccine. The executive eventually says he did not allow his daughter to receive the vaccine and Eli should feel triumphant because he’s offered $360,000. Elizabeth turns it down and tells Eli that he’s pathetic for thinking she should accept it.

Eli goes to visit Dr. Chen. Dr. Chen tells him that there are two explanations for everything, the scientific and the divine. He tells Eli that he can choose to believe in whatever he wants, but the things that are happening to him, the connections that are being made put him in a position of heightened awareness and puts him in the position of being a prophet. Eli goes back to court and gives a speech about faith for his closing argument. While waiting for the result of the hearing his mother shows up and tells him his brother told her about the aneurysm and hands him the coffee can he was holding in one of his delusions. Eli starts making connections and his mother says she moved his father’s ashes from the urn into the coffee can, and while they’re talking Eli’s interrupted by an announcement made saying the jury has reached their verdict.

Eli wins his client 10 million dollars. Eli makes a deal with the corporation saying 2 million goes to Elizabeth while the remaining 8 million goes into a trust fund for children that suffer from autism triggered from the vaccine. Eli then decides to go to India to spread his father’s ashes where he promised his father years ago and has decided to change his life to reflect the person his father thought he would be. Honestly, I think this show is awesome as hell. I love the character of Eli and I love Johnny Lee Miller even more. I’m really excited to see where writers will take things with this character and storyline. What do you think? Did you like it or you do think the character is too full of it and unrealistic? Let us know in the comments!

IN TREATMENT -- "Paul and Gina, Week One"

Critics Rant — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 04:06:09 GMT

By Curt Schleier

Dr. Paul Weston (Gabriel Byrne) is fed up with some of the self-absorbed people he’s treating – so he’s decided to become one of them. IN TREATMENT comes full circle. At the end of the last episode Paul left a message for Gina (Dianne Wiest), who, it turns out, was his mentor and therapist when he first started out in the field. But about 10 years ago, they disagreed. It’s not yet clear what was involved. But whatever it was their differences were so great Paul did not even attend Gina’s husband’s funeral. He didn’t believe it appropriate.

But now he needs her again, because he’s starting to have doubts about his own competency. Instead of healing himself, he turns to his former mentor and says “I’m losing patience with my patients.”

Well that makes two of us. Although they don’t focus on this in the show, it’s kind of a Catch -22. A substantial percentage of his patients who come to him are not nice and need help. It’s no wonder he loses patience at times. If they were well adjusted, they wouldn’t need him, and if he liked these obnoxious people, he’d be crazy. Or so it seems to me, a person of extremely sound mind and flabby body.

It’s an interesting session. Gina seems a little resentful at the way they parted (though we don’t learn what prompted the divide) and he seems annoyed at her prying – though of course that’s really why he came back.

Paul starts off by criticizing his patients – particularly Jake (half of Thursday couple Jake and Amy, the couple feuding over whether or not to have an abortion) and Laura (the patient who believes she’s in love with Paul). When Paul mentions Laura, Gina’s ears perk up. She begins to question him about his home life. And it turns out things are not going well at home.

“Katie and I argue nonstop,” Paul says. “I think it’s beginning to affect my work.” It’s not just the fighting, either. He suspects she may be having an affair. “I don’t know where she is most of the time.”

His wife tells him that she’s going to the gym, but when he checks her closet, her gym clothes are still there. And sex, “sex is out of the question. She hardly ever initiates it. I can’t remember the last time she wanted it.”

Then he tells Gina that coming back to her was probably a bad idea, and it looks as though the relationship has hit another snag. But there are eight more Fridays in the series, so they’ll probably make up. Interestingly, Paul is a terrible patient. If his patients were as impatient as he is, he’d be even loonier than he is now.

Which raises another issue for those of you in therapy: there’s a good chance that your therapist is more screwed up than you are. Look. Take two Xanax and call me in the morning.

IN TREATMENT -- "Jake And Amy, Week One"

Critics Rant — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 07:32:11 GMT

By Curt Schleier

In a week that thus far has been filled with unattractive patients, Jake and Amy hit a new low. He is angry, insecure, rude and surly. She is a manipulative liar. And they’re married. Now IN TREATMENT really gets interesting.

Jake (Josh Charles) is on time for his appointment with Dr. Paul Weston (Gabriel Byrne), but his wife -- as is apparently her norm -- is late. He is fuming, in part because he thinks she’s having an affair with her boss. When she finally does arrive, he notices she has a different outfit on than the one she left for work in that morning. She just says she spilled coffee on the one she’d been wearing and purchased new clothing.

It’s not like Jake doesn’t have a reason to be angry and suspicious. For one thing, she cheated on her first husband with Jake. Also, they spent five years going through fertility treatments, and now that Amy (Embeth Davidtz) is finally pregnant she wants to get an abortion. She claims she had post-partum depression with their other child. “I won’t be able to take care of this child,” she says. “I won’t be able to love him.”

She has tears in her eyes as she says this – and both Paul and Jake are uncomfortably silent; they don’t know what to say. Then Amy stops crying and says, “So, is that convincing enough.” Later she apologizes for playing a part. “I’m sorry. I made all that up.”

In her defense, Jake is such a big a-hole, he’s almost proud of it; he’s rude to everyone around him, including the doctor, trying to make some sense of the couple’s constant bickering. And frankly who’d want to have a baby with a husband as obnoxious as hers? But Jake doesn’t want him to dissect the couple’s problems. He claims they did not come to him for marriage counseling. They just wanted his opinion on whether or not they should go ahead with an abortion.

It seems odd to go to an outsider for an opinion on something so personal. But I guess whenever you see a TV therapist, it’s best to have a flamboyant problem that needs solving. Paul attempts to explain that he can’t give them an answer. All he can do is to try to help them work through their problems so they can come up with an answer of their own. But that’s not good enough for Jake, who badgers the doctor for an answer until Paul finally says Amy should have an abortion. Both Jake and Amy are taken aback by that response.

Jake calls Paul a murderer and storms out. Amy sits quietly for a minute and then leaves, too. Paul clearly is not happy with what he said and immediately calls his former mentor/therapist, because he needs someone to speak. But she’s not in. But I bet she will be for the next episode.

SUPERNATURAL -- "Malleus Maleficarum"

Critics Rant — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 07:25:15 GMT

By Sabrina Cognata

Last time we visited with Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) they played Christmas massacre with two Christmas warlocks that needed to feed back from yesteryear. This time we’re confronted with this cute African-American lady that comes back from a dinner with her beau and she goes into the bathroom. While she starts brushing her teeth there is a cut to another woman doing some sort of satanic ritual by slicing her hand and pouring her blood on the woman’s toothbrush. Suddenly, the woman’s teeth begin falling out of her head. Her boytoy comes running up, as she’s screaming with blood pouring out of her mouth, but when he gets to the bathroom the door mysteriously locks and the woman dies.

When Sam and Dean get to the scene they interview the boyfriend, Paul, and he is evasive and says that no one hated Janet. Too bad while Dean is talking with him Sam finds a hex bag under the sink in the bathroom. Sam and Dean deduce that this is the doings of a witch, and a good one versed in old magic. Cut to a woman busily running into her home and her friend asks her why she missed their book club last night due to the bandage on her hand, I am going to guess this bitch is the witch we’re looking for. She opens up her oven and inside there’s a maggot mesh and I puke a little in my mouth.

Next Paul is attacked in his car when he finds maggots in his food. Sam and Dean are there and find another hex bag. Paul tells them that he recently ended a torrid affair with a complete nut job. Sam and Dean head over to Amanda’s house, but when they show up they find her dead. After inspecting the scene, the Winchester brothers find another hex bag hidden inside the woman’s living room. Sam says he’s afraid that the inner witchery hit is the result of a coven. Next we realize that the book club neighbor, Elizabeth, is a part of the coven and that the book club is actually witch club.

Sam and Dean approach Elizabeth, asking about Amanda’s satanic rituals. In the middle of their interview the other two witches show up and interfere, cutting off the conversation. Sam and Dean realize that Elizabeth and her two cohorts are the coven. They believe the coven killed Amanda to manage appearances and deal with the fact that she was a nut job, which isn’t far off. Since they are toying with black magic Sam says they need to be stopped, as soon as Dean agrees with him Ruby appears and tells them they have to leave town. She says that these witches serve a demon and it lives in the town and is bigger and badder than Sam can manage. In the middle of all this Dean makes the move to shoot Ruby, but Sam interferes and the bullet goes astray. When they look back Ruby is gone.

Sam and Dean continue to argue over Ruby. Finally, Sam tells Dean this is more than just hunting because mankind is at war with the demons. Dean says he’s worried that Sam isn’t acting like himself and Sam blames Dean for selling his soul to the devil and now that Sam knows he’s going to be alone he has to get tougher. Suddenly, Dean starts puking up blood everywhere and Sam takes off with the colt to shoot the coven of witches. While he’s gone Ruby shows up and saves Dean’s life with a concoction that Dean says tastes like ass. Meanwhile, Sam’s with the coven and has narrowed down the demon, Tammy. He goes to shoot her, but she stops the bullet and everyone knows he’s in trouble. Especially Sam.

Tammy is hell on wheels. She kills Rene when she disagrees with hurting Sam and then she goes into a diatribe about how she manipulated book club to get those women to worship her. Tammy says that she doesn’t believe Sam is the Messiah and that some other demon is. That demon hates Sam and wants him vaporized or something. Tammy starts to smoosh Sam into the wall and Dean shows up. Then Ruby appears and Tammy says something about Ruby making it out of the gate. Ruby asks to serve Tammy again and says she brought the Winchesters to Tammy as a gift. Ruby goes to stab Tammy, but Tammy expects it. GIRL FIGHT! Tammy tells us in Ruby’s former life she was a witch, and one of her followers. While she yammering on Elizabeth starts performing a spell on her and Tammy barfs up pushpins. This gives Dean just enough time to attack Tammy with the dagger, killing her.

Later, Ruby gives Dean a heart-to-heart in being a demon, telling him that most demons were once humans that forgot what it was like to be alive. Dean asks if he’ll turn into a demon and forget about his life on earth, and she says he will. She also says that she cannot save him from hell. Ruby tells Dean she needs him to help her get Sam ready to fight the war without him, but Dean wants to know why Ruby wants them to triumph over evil. Ruby says she’s not like the rest of the demons because she remembers what it’s like to be human.

LOST -- "The Beginning of the End"

Critics Rant — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 07:01:26 GMT

By Faith McQuinn

Tonight was the season four premiere of LOST. This was, by far, the most anticipated premiere of the year for me. And now, I have a boatload (pun intended) of questions. But first, a quick summary for all the forgetful viewers out there.

It’s been eight months since the last time an original episode of LOST aired, and I’m sure some of you need a recap. When we were on the island last, a woman named Naomi parachuted in and said she had a rescue boat off shore. Convinced that Desmond’s girl Penny sent the boat, Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) and Desmond (Henry Ian Cusick) head to an underwater hatch to unblock the radio signals to the island.

While the guys are swimming, Jack (Matthew Fox) takes on the role of Moses and leads his band of survivors to the radio tower. Meanwhile, Bernard (Sam Anderson), Jin (Daniel Dae Kim) and Sayid (Naveen Andrews) stay behind to blow up the Others. They succeed…sort of. Hurley (Jorge Garcia) runs over the ones that are left, and Sawyer (Josh Holloway) takes out Mr. Friendly (M.C. Gainey).

So, Charlie drowns. Jack beats up Ben (Michael Emerson). Locke throws a knife in Naomi’s back and runs away. But Jack still calls the boat and they’re all going home. Oh, and Jack and Kate successfully get off the island thanks to that ingenious flash-forward. All is well.

Not so fast.

Now for this week and all those damn questions. Usually on LOST, at least one question is answered. I mean, granted, about a dozen are brought up, but still questions get answered. In the season four premiere, however, I didn’t get anything answered.

The episode picks up where the season three finale left off. Jack has just called the boat, and the guys are on their way to rescue them. Hurley and company are still on the beach when they hear the good news. Hurley, realizing that he will finally be free of all of his money troubles, cannonballs into the ocean.

His happiness is soon stomped upon when Desmond brings news of Charlie’s death. Right away, Hurley becomes Locke’s biggest supporter and decides that they need to get to Jack before Jack gets to the beach to meet Not Penny’s Boat.

In the flash-forward, Hurley gets himself into a mental institution because, turns out, he’s seeing Charlie. But Charlie’s dead, right? Right?! Yeah, he’s dead. Charlie even says so. Then why is Hurley seeing Charlie? And to whom is Charlie referring when he says, “They need your help”? And when Jack and Hurley are talking, what does Jack want to make sure Hurley’s not going to tell? And the hell are the other three in the Oceanic Six?!

Back on the island, Hurley’s already begun to see things. When he gets lost in the jungle, he happens upon Jacob’s creepy shack. When he turns to run, low and behold, there’s the shack again. Is the island playing tricks on Hurley, or is he really losing his mind?

Whatever is, one thing is for certain. Hurley is hurting from the loss of Charlie. In honor of what his friend sacrificed, Hurley is the first to join Locke in escaping the supposed rescue party. Claire (Emile de Ravin), Sawyer, Ben, Rousseau (Mira Furlan), Alex and Karl follow suit. Jin, Sun (Yunjin Kim), Rose (L. Scott Caldwell), Bernard, Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell) and Kate stay with Jack. Sides have been chosen, but who’s right? Is there a right?

If you are not a fan of LOST, you may actually think I didn’t like this episode. But you are so wrong. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what good television is. I may be frustrated by all the damn questions, but that’s what keeps me watching. Every week, I find some other aspect of the show to love. I may have had had to wait 251 days (yeah, I counted), but they were worth it.

LOST is back. The stakes are higher, and writers’ strike or not, I’m in for the long haul.